What I'm up to, roughly as it happens.

as i went through my old videos, i came across this one from the closing ceremony of a small cultural conference we had at the FSE back in 2018. in the video, you can clearly see Prof. Salmane Tarik El Alami (may he rest in peace) playing the guitar and singing a little song in plain darija. i recorded the video at the time because i had already heard him sing that song before, and i did not want to waste the second opportunity i got to save it. i had looked for it online after i first heard it and could not find it anywhere; that's how i knew it's probably original, and of his own writing. i tried to regather the lyrics from this short snippet and from what i could remember of my first time hearing it, and this is what i got. it is such a beautiful song. if anyone knows it or has heard it before, please, please contact me here.

مالك و ما مالك
و مال قلبك متهالك
رضينا بغلالك
صابر و قلبك حالك

مالك و ما مالك
و مال جسمك متهالك
رضينا بغلالك
صابر و قلبك حالك

جميلاتي فوصافك
قلبك جنان السالك
ايلا جيتي نهدي ليك
الحب و كل مانمتالك

مالك و ما مالك
و مال جسمك متهالك
رضينا بغلالك
صابر و قلبك حالك

خلي بودلال يديني
ما بغيتو يخليني
يا وجدي ايلا سجنتيني
راه غلبني سلطانك

يا عشقي ايلا سجنتيني
راه غلبني سلطانك

in 2023, while teaching my usual classes at the high school, i got an idea. i had been watching futurama, and each episode opened with a short one-liner, sometimes inspirational but most of the time hilarious. i thought it would be fun to do something similar, except mine would all be inspirational, written as a little title card next to the daily date.

no one is perfect. as cliché as it sounds, it really is true. as a teacher, especially one working with teens, i constantly feel like i walk a fine line between being a good example and being a hypocrite. i feel the pressure to show up as my best self, to model the right behaviors and attitudes for my students. but sometimes i wonder if that very effort sends the wrong message making it seem like i have it all figured out, no skeletons in my closet, no flaws in my personality. how do i keep both sides of that balance without one bleeding into the other?

back in the 2010s, defaced index.html pages were the best places to find new awesome beats. here is a playlist where i put some of the greatest songs and music i discovered during that wonderful era.

been looping dizzy dross's new album 'aflam' since it first got released and i am really into some songs. here is a breakdown below.

LAMARA: this is a romantic song that tells the story of a messy breakup and the aftermath of having to deal with what comes after.

BEKHER: upbeat, energetic, good vibes. puts me in a very good mood almost every time. i like the fast pace and the high BPM.

DEPART: this one is pretty melancholic. talks about how sometimes life is full of hardships that you just cant escape and all you can/should do is face them. listening to this evokes a feeling of helplessness in the face of a great catastrophe. think of a man standing in front of a huge tsunami wave as its about to crash him face first.

the other songs have not been registred with me yet. dont know if i would like them later or not. will update if that happens.

"why do you wear the uniform? it's not necessary." this is the question i keep hearing every time i meet with a fellow teacher or admin staff inside the high school where i work. and i always give one of the following answers: 1. to show professionalism, 2. so that i can separate my classroom persona from my personal persona, 3. so that i don't have to pretend to wear it when the supervisor eventually comes in for a class visit.

and i am mostly honest in my answers. but the true reason why i started wearing it to begin with was like a defence mechanism to protect myself from the hardships of being a teacher. you see, i realized pretty early (as a student) that being a teacher is a pretty taxing job mentally and emotionally. and so when it was inevitable that i become a teacher, i decided to find ways to help me cope mentally and emotionally. one way i thought of back then, when i first started teaching, was to put on a persona for class and make sure that i separate it from my own persona outside of the class. this way i can leave the troubles and headaches of teaching inside the classroom instead of having to take them home with me. and in order to achieve this separation, i thought it would be a good idea to trick my mind by always putting on the uniform in class and never teaching without it; this way it would serve as a physical cue for my mind to detach the two personas and keep them separate. fast forward six years later, i now understand that it is truly impossible to separate the two personas. in fact, they meet more often than i would like.

lost my pixel 4a today.

after so many weird incidents this school year, i am rethingking my entire philosophy as a teacher. i used to believe that i should offer my help to students whenever they are in need and no matter what the problem is (regular life problems or study problems). now, i am starting to feel limited and unabale to help (especially with the kind of probelms i keep hearing). i am just too weak and too short-handed at the moment. i have zero ressources and zero eneergy to go search and look for the solution. anyways, i am just rambling here.